Brigitta Dau

Aim for impeccable vs average

We know when we’ve done it: agreed to something that we shouldn’t have. Sometimes we say yes because we want to be liked, sometimes we get talked into things because we think we “should” do them. But the truth is, we are not meant to do everything. And, if you aren’t the one to do it, there is a good chance that someone else will do it anyway.

A clear and sincere “no” can be very powerful. I’m not saying to be bratty, stubborn, or flat out lazy. I’m suggesting that before you take on yet another task, quietly check in with yourself and ask, “Do I really want to do this?”. If you don’t absolutely 100% want to do it, then with direct sincerity say “no”.

Marie Forleo (marketing maven) calls it “buying a first class ticket on the ‘no’ train!”

If you say yes and then try to slide your way out of it, you are on a slippery slope to being unreliable. And part of being successful in life, is being someone others can count on.

Don’t take my word for it…look around in your own life. Who is accountable? Who is a flake? How do you feel about that flaky manager, friend, professor? What is you honest opinion about them? Knowing you can’t count on them, what level of respect do you have for those people?

Is that how you want to be perceived by others? I doubt it. None of us wake up in the morning stating “Today, I shall drop the ball!”

We all want to have integrity. But before we can have integrity with others, we have to have it with ourselves. How good are you at keeping your commitments to yourself? Usually people who follow through on goals for themselves, find it easier to turn down requests that they know they can’t commit to. If however you notice you are knee deep in promises that you now regret making, you likely are letting yourself down as well.

But, with practice, you can change that.

Start small.

For example:

I started with a 30 day challenge to floss my teeth every day. Since childhood, dental hygiene has ALWAYS been a struggle for me. As much as I hate the dentist, for some reason, I hated flossing more. So, my challenge was to floss every day for 30 days. I chose this challenge also in the hopes that my dental experiences would be improved should I finally adhere to this practice. I stuck to it. If I missed a day, I had to floss twice the next day…until I got to 30 days. (and now I floss most days)

Maybe for you it’s:
-Putting out your gym clothes before you go to bed.
-Making the bed.
-Gassing up your car every Sunday.
-Sitting and meditating even if it’s just for a few minutes
-Eliminating a specific food from your daily diet

You can also set small commitments with other people. Turning off your phone for certain periods of time is liberating once you get past the technological withdrawal. Unless you’re an ER surgeon, it can wait. You can have 5 minutes without being at someone’s beck and call. (And side note, if you are taking a class like yoga or pilates, turn your phone off. It’s distracting to the rest of the class and the benefits you will reap from unplugging will far out way the hour or so that your friends or boss can’t reach you.)

And let me stress, your time is VALUABLE. I used to have a hard time ending sessions on time if clients were late. Now? It’s easy. But, I had to ride out the queasy feeling of letting them know out time was up when the hour ended…regardless of what time they arrived. I still have people see the clock and try to “extend” their time with more questions, but now, I firmly say “we’ll go over that next week. Our session was until 11am” etc. But for the most part, they have learned that I stick to my agreements and our session time is one of them. Being accountable is always more appreciated than being flaky.

So, challenge yourself to make and keep your commitments to yourself and others by starting small. Then, when the bigger requests come along, quietly and honestly ask yourself if this is really something you want to do. And if the answer is “No”, be as direct and respectful as possible. Because sometimes, the best decision, is to take that “first class ticket on the ‘no’ train”!

“We constantly trim the sails: some ships ply east, and some ply west, by the self-same wind that blows. It is the set of the sail, and not the gale, that determines where it goes” Chuck “C”

In other words, life WILL take you off course. It’s your job to keep your life pointed in the direction you want to go. Try to do a little more of what you love every day. And, try when possible, to do a little less of what you don’t like to do.

You may need a day job to support your art at night. You may need to miss out on some girl nights if you want you child to do better at school. You may have to go home for a few months to care for an aging parent until they have the help they need. Sometimes we have to compromise and sometimes, life throws us off track completely. But that still doesn’t mean you can’t readjust your course and continue to keep yourself on target. It might take longer or the road might not be so linear, but if you remain on your trajectory then you are not being swayed by the trade-winds or storms that inevitably appear in life.

I think this is where we also need to look at our idea about “balance”. Living a “balanced” life has become the catch phrase of what a “fulfilling” life is all about. But the harsh reality is you may never have exactly right amount of time for your physical health, mental health, relationships, work, spiritual practice, and sleep. This “balance” that we are striving for should feel more like an equilibrium rather than a perfectly level teeter-totter. Equilibriums have constant change and fluctuation as the norm. Something is thriving while something else is wilting. Something is contracting so something else can expand. For every inhale, there is an exhale. That is the balance we should aim for.

Which means, sometimes, your work has to come first. And sometimes work has to take a back seat to your family’s needs. And sometimes you need to take an entire weekend to unplug, breath deeply, and get your downward dog wagging it’s tail.

“You can have it all” is a bad lie that women were told back in the ’80’s. And now that many men are taking on more of the responsibilities of child-rearing, they are under more pressure too. Most of us all agree, that belief was toxic and has unfairly overstressed many families attempting to achieve such “balance”. But our new vision isn’t realistic either.

Twyla Tharp said that when she was in the midst of choreographing one of her masterpieces, she would seal herself into her “creative bubble” until it was complete. There is a certain level of tunnel vision needed to create something new. And whatever you’re creating…a healthy new lifestyle, a feature film, a family, a renovated bathroom…whatever your main focus is, let it be just that: your main focus. Keep your eye on the prize. Choose what you will have to ease up on to accomplish this task. (And if it’s going into hibernation from social outings, I highly suggest giving your friends the heads up so they know the cave you’re in is one of your making.)

I’m not saying to bail on all responsibilities for your art or drop your dreams when the shit storm hits. But, consciously deciding “what will it take?” is a question worth asking. And then, see how you can STILL include more of what you love than what you don’t. If you are knee deep in helping someone critically ill, you likely won’t get the book written as quickly as you had hoped. Yes, they will require most of your attention but you can still trim your sales and squeeze in some time to jot down some thoughts or read something inspiring. Just like if you just landed a role in a tv show…you wouldn’t be as available to your friends and family for a while. But, by accepting a more realistic idea of balance…change and fluctuation vs everything as a perfectly balanced scale…you can focus on what you need to do today, and less of the rest.

“I’ll figure it out” vs “I just don’t know what to do.”
Allow me to be blunt..“I just don’t know what to do” is a total cop out.

It’s awfully convenient that you staying ‘confused’ also keeps you safe. If you ‘knew’ what to do, then you would have to take action, step up to the plate, take the risk, own your dream. So “I don’t know what to do” actually means, “I don’t feel like it” or “I’m scared”, etc.

Instead of buying into the “I don’t know” myth, try a different thought:

“I’ll figure it out”

“I’ll figure it out” gives you all the permission in the world to be freaked out and confused. It gives you ownership of where you are at and frees you up to receive help.

“I’ll figure it out” also gives your brain a direction to move…forward. “Not knowing” keeps you in that never never land of poor me. And, if you stay in that land for too long, the label “victim” might surface and none of us want to associate ourselves with that word.

And as much as you might hate to hear this…everything ever created could have been better. Every book, every design, every relationship, every day…there will ALWAYS be room for improvement whether you “know” what to do or not.

So, instead, enlist the phrase “I’ll figure it out”.

Then, keep up with the questions. “How? How will I figure it out? Who do I have to call, what do I have to research, what possible strategy could I use to ‘figure it out’?”

I highly recommend taking that action ASAP, like NOW. Get the ball rolling. Which might mean picking up the phone or quietly journaling or, going for a run (repetitive activities often open us up to ideas our brains are otherwise too busy to hear) Side step your usual excuses and distraction…I sincerely doubt that tweeting is what you need to be doing right now. The truth is, the sooner you start stepping forward in the direction you want to move, the sooner you will achieve your goals.

Decide today to “be the one who pulls it off”. And before you know it, you will have “figured it out”.

Willingness vs Willpower and our Ambivalence to change

How do we create lasting change?
Truth bomb…it ain’t easy. It’s Hard with a capital H. We humans despise change and even if we know what we are doing is bad for us, we prefer to repeat our behavior rather than change it.

But, we know that change is possible. If you can learn bad habits, you can learn good ones too. Right? Absolutely.

But before we get into that, I’d like call Bullshit on something our society seems to revere as the highest ranking value: Willpower.

If you think you don’t have enough willpower, let me remind you that at some point (unless you had a genetic predisposition), you stood. And then you walked…and eventually ran. Did you fall down? Yup, you did. You fell many, many times. Did you still keep at it until you could walk and run without falling? Yes you did. So we all have willpower. Let’s put that excuse to rest.

Breaking bad habits and creating new healthy ones isn’t about willpower.

It is a matter of desire and more importantly, willingness.

Ask anyone who has ever made a big change in their life: quit smoking, changed careers, left a bad relationship, finally finished writing the book…willpower had little to do with how they followed through. What they DID have was a very strong desire to change (failure was not an option), and the willingness to feel uncomfortable when the going got tough. They also had a plan. Not just the action steps required to achieve their goal, they also had a plan for how to handle the obstacles that would likely come up. That’s where willingness is crucial for creating lasting change.

Let’s use quitting smoking as an example (which I did myself 25 years ago). Why do you want to quit? Don’t use your spouse’s concerns or your children’s guilt trips as reasons why, unless they resonate for you. Why do YOU want to quit smoking (…fill in the blank for anything you want to change). Get very clear and excited about seeing yourself as the person you want to become. Visualize it and fully engage all of your senses. When you have already overcome the challenge, how will that feel? How will your life look? What will you say and hear other’s saying? How will your body feel? Again, really connect with your feelings.

Now ask yourself, what you’re going to have to give up to achieve this goal. What are some of the “negatives” about changing this behavior? Lasting change means sacrificing some things. Take time to acknowledge what losses you will have to accept.

Ambivalence is a normal part of goal setting that most of us confuse with a signal to give up. Again, our resistance to change is huge. But, until your new behavior is habitual, it will take energy and probably some trial and error before it starts to feel easy. And going back to my example of quitting smoking, there is a lot to give up. For example, aside from the addiction itself, smokers often have to give up some social situations. When I quit, I avoided seeing my smoking friends for a few weeks. I avoided the smoke filled bars (you were allowed to smoke inside bars back then!…and on planes!) At parties, I stayed inside while my smoking friends went outside. That was a big sacrifice for me because I had close ties with those people…we spent hours out in the cold smoking and gossiping. (And seriously, it was cold…I’m from Canada!) There was some loneliness and serious boredom for me to overcome. Was it still worth it to me to quit? Was I willing to stay inside and make new connections with the non-smokers? Yes, I was willing. I wanted to have the label: “non-smoker” be my new identity.
Honor your ambivalence. Allow room for yourself to feel the crummy stuff. But don’t let it take charge. Instead, write it out. (Do not do this in your head.) Write out all the reasons you don’t want to go for it and include the things you will have to give up. And then for each item on your list, decide… “am I willing to feel and experience this in order to achieve my goal?”

If you truly want to change and know why, you will be able to answer this question with an earnest “yes”. But, let’s not be naive either. This is an opportunity for you to be honest with your limitations and prepare for them in advance. And every time they come up, you can remind yourself to revisit WHY you want it and that you are WILLING to handle this present challenge.

A lot of people post “am I willing?” all over their home and office as reminders. Some people set reminders on their phone so when they enter into a “potential ambivalence challenge”, they are prepared to take action. And some people enlist their friends to remind them of why they want to change and how great they will feel when they’ve achieved it.

Whatever works best for you, do it! But first:

WHY do you want to make this change?

WHAT obstacles might come up and WHAT will you have to give up?
(write it out)

Are you WILLING to feel the feelings that will inevitably come up should these obstacles actually happen? (go through each item on your list)

And then start living as the person you want to be. Start taking those actions now and keep your “willingness tools” close as you go for it.