supportive

  • How Being Self Critical actually Sabotages Your Good Intentions

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    Many of us are overly critical of ourselves. Some of us are hypervigilant about what we ‘should’ and ‘should not’ do to the point that any deviation from our plan is seen as a total failure. It’s an all or nothing stance to achieving our goals and it actually works against our odds of success. (if you are a self proclaimed slacker, than this doesn’t apply to you!)

    A good example of this issue is the dieter who slips up. Maybe she has vowed to cut out sugar and then eats one of the cookies a co-worker brought into the office. Rather than letting it go and going back to her commitment, she proceeds to beat herself up with abusive self talk and by the end of the day is eating an entire cake by herself.

    Her self criticism actually signaled the “what the hell” response. “What the hell, I’ve blown my diet. I might as well enjoy myself and eat whatever I want.” Sound familiar?

    Science has actually studied this behavior and proven that the more critical you are of yourself, the more likely you are to fail at the very thing you are bullying yourself into doing. Instead of course correcting, you actually go further off the rails. In other words, if you want to spend less but berate yourself when the credit card bills arrive, you are more likely to go out and spend more money. If you are determined to cut back on sugar, but slip up with a piece of candy, you are more likely to eat more sugar for the rest of the day. If you have promised to keep in touch more regularly and notice you have fallen short of that promise, if you beat yourself up about it, you are more likely to isolate yourself further in response to your inner critic.

    Bullying and tyranny never create the positive outcomes we want. And the worse the self criticism is, the more likely we will fail.

    How do you get back on track?

    Self supportive inner talk. This approach actually does make us more likely to succeed. Again, there is science to back this up. Being self compassionate when you slip up actually helps ignite your “will power instinct” which we all have. It’s hardwired into our brains. We all worked at eating, walking, speaking, etc until we succeeded. We needed to succeed at these things for our survival. I have several Pilates clients who have severe genetic abnormalities that make walking a true challenge. But, they have found their way of walking so they can get from point A to point B. They didn’t give up. We all have a primal instinct to survive.

    So how do we “trigger” this instinct when we are faced with the temptation to throw in the towel and say “what the heck?” By learning and practicing self compassionate support.

    What would you say to a friend who blew their diet? “You are a total failure and are destined to be fat for the rest of your life!” are not likely the words you would use! You’d probably say something like, “let it go, move on…we all have bad days. Just start again.” No doubt, you would be supportive.

    For those of us who have lived with our self judging self talk for many years, we will find this approach to our mistakes rather strange. It might even cause anxiety for some of us. Journalling can be a very helpful tool to help with this. Write out all your judgments, criticisms, and self shaming words. Then, imagine being a supportive friend to yourself. Write out those supportive responses. For example: “I blew it again! I’m a total failure!” can be responded to by saying, “Welcome to the human race!…we all make mistakes. It’s not the end of the world just start again.” Also, take the time to really look at those harsh words you used on yourself. Would you EVER say those things to another person? No. The truth is, your inner thoughts are skewed and you need to retrain your brain to support you properly.

    If you really want to create those changes and achieve your goals, you have to learn to manage your self talk. Because if you punish yourself harshly when slipping up, you are setting yourself up to fail. Period.

    Start keeping a journal. When you can, write down what that voice is saying to you in your head. Then, rewrite it in the voice and with the words of a supportive friend. Notice how you are able to “bounce back” from the slip ups when you are feeling safe and supported. Stick with this. The more you do this with the harsh thoughts, the easier it gets to then turn them into supportive thoughts.

    If you need help with your inner critic, get in touch and we’ll tackle it together.

  • WHY do you want what you want?

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    “CHANGE IS NEVER A MATTER OF ABILITY. IT IS ALWAYS A MATTER OF MOTIVATION”-Tony Robbins

    So, here we are at the brink of a new beginning. We are inundated with messages of resolutions and self improvement. Many of us follow along and set some goals and then look back at them in frustration when, after a few months have gone by, we notice we have done little to achieve them.

    Well, I encourage you to try a new approach.

    Why do you want those goals in the first place?

    That’s the most important question you can ask yourself when you are goal setting or looking to change something be it a bad habit, a relationship, your career…”why?”. Why do you want it to be different?

    Here’s the trap…a lot of us will answer with “because I don’t want to feel ___ anymore”. In most cases, that answer pretty much insures that the change you want won’t happen.

    Our brains are hard wired to “go towards things”. Particularly, things that make us feel GOOD. That’s pretty obvious, I know. But if you want to change something, you have to focus on how you WANT to feel when you have achieved that change. Not on how you don’t want to feel.

    For example:

    I want to lose weight.
    Why?
    “Because I hate the way my body feels in my clothes”…is the trap.
    Instead maybe you can answer:
    “Because I want to feel fabulous and confident in my clothes, I want to have more energy”…etc

    Another example:

    I want to earn more money
    Why?
    “Because I’m sick of living paycheck to paycheck”…is the trap.
    Instead, maybe you answer:
    “Because I want to take a vacation, get my car cleaned, go out with my friends”…etc

    Another example:

    I want to get a better job.
    Why?
    “Because my boss is an asshole and my life is being flushed down the toilet”…you can clearly see the trap there!
    Another answer?
    “I want to tap into my natural talents at work, I want my work to be fulfilling and soul affirming”…etc

    You get the point. You have to phrase your desires in “moving towards” language. And then, focus on THAT rather than focusing on what you DON’T want to feel. Focussing on what you WANT moves you forward and brings you closer to actually getting it.

    It also elicits the energy required to receive that which you want. This is not new age “woo hoo”, it’s basic physics. Low vibrational energy attracts low vibrational energy. And, high vibrational energy attracts high vibrational energy. So, focusing on what’s wrong, what’s not working…low energy thoughts…will attract more of that energy. The same is true for higher energy thoughts. Thoughts of enthusiasm, gratitude, and vitality attract more of those high energy vibrations. The old saying “ What you focus on, expands” is not self help jargon. It’s a law of physics.

    And if I was breaking a habit or embarking on a new career, I’d be harnessing all the high energy I could! I’d want the law of physics on MY side.

    By reframing your goals from “moving away from” (low energy) to “moving towards goals” (high energy), you can effectively get the energetic world on your side. Which leads to: better results more efficiently and with greater ease.

    If you want support as you go for your New Year’s resolutions and goals, get in touch and we’ll get to work on them together.

  • Why Gratitude is Always an Ingredient of Success

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    Being grateful and knowing why you are grateful is more than just a fluffy self help practice. Conscious gratitude has a direct influence on your life as a whole.

    Unfortunately, when things aren’t going so great, we tend to focus on what’s “wrong”. The problem with that is, you attract more of what you “don’t want”. Your subconscious works with images, not words. So thinking and obsessing over what’s depressing you will only bring more of it into your days. However, when you focus on what your are grateful for, you are sending an energetic signal to your subconscious and the world that you want more of those joyous things to be in your life.

    What’s on your gratitude list and why?

    A client of mine was struggling with work and the money was running out. I had her make a list of what she DID have and why she was grateful for it. What she had that she was most grateful for, was time. She had an abundance of time, so to speak. So instead of dwelling on her lack, she focussed on her abundance. And, without compromising her job search, she utilized her free time to volunteer. She worked with her church to provide food and support for the homeless in her area. She loved it. She had in essence found “work” that she enjoyed. She also continued to acknowledge how grateful she was for it. And soon enough, her job search turned into an actual job. And a great one. She still volunteers and is grateful for her meaningful work…both volunteered and paid.

    You’ll notice, I’m not saying to pretend everything is okay and to lie to yourself. You know if you’re unhappy. But to change your situation you must first change what you focus on. Focussing on the pain brings more pain into your life. Acknowledging the good things in your life breaks that pattern and helps your mind focus on what you want vs what you don’t want.

    Doing this same practice when things are going great is also helpful.

    I can say I am grateful to have worked with some incredibly talented teachers in many areas of learning. Everything from piano to Pilates to knitting. I’m grateful for the amazing coaches and books that assist me as well. Why? Because if I want to change or set a new goal, I have all the tools at my disposal. And these tools help me be a better teacher and coach.

    And then? My inbox gets filled with more good news from happy clients than junk mail. I sent out the message and the universe responded.

    What’s already working in your life that you can be more consciously grateful for? Is there something you want more of? Why? By actively focussing on and being grateful for what you already have, you will bring more of it into your life.

    One last thing, write it down. When you take the time to sit and write about something, it becomes more real to you and you will harness more energy to attract that which you want.

    Do this everyday…and see how blessed you truly are.

  • Beating back the hold your EGO has over you

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    “One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time”- Andre Gide

    Your faith must be greater than your fear if you have big plans for your future. And your fear is manifested through your ego.

    Your ego HATES new plans…particularly big juicy ones. Your ego’s primary interest is to keep you safe. That means no risks, no rocking the boat, no new paths and absolutely no expansion whatsoever. It wants you stuck to the trunk of the tree while your big plans require you to step onto the skinny branches further up and out. Your ego will do everything in its power to stop you from taking that risk.

    Think of it as an overprotective parent. Their intentions are good: they love you and want you to be safe. But the minute there is a suggestion of anything new and unknown, they go into full panic mode and start locking all the doors and grounding you for life.

    So, here’s how positive change goes for a lot of people. They take the first few steps and are rockin’ it! Synchronicity is pulling in a bunch of opportunities…and then, bam! They get laryngitis. Or crash their car. Or their smart phone dies. Deadlines encroach on their time and their money gets tight and suddenly, all that excitement and enthusiasm is gone. They get sucked back into their mundane lives.

    This is classic ego at work. Your ego is setting you up to fail by using all your forms of self sabotage. It wants you to screw up…horribly. Why? So you won’t attempt to do something new and risky again. It wants you safe and stable and has no interest in anything new. To the ego, new = danger.

    By knowing this, you can override your ego’s tantrums. You can become aware of the challenges cropping up. Yes, someone may have slammed into your car. But that doesn’t have to stop you from going for your goals. Get the car fixed and move on. Your day job may be interfering with your free time but you can focus on the time you DO have and capitalize on THAT. Instead of crawling in the fetal position when your iPhone dies, take a deep breath and make an appointment at Apple’s genius bar.

    By seeing the issues and moving forward anyway, you can beat back the ego’s power. Also, the more often you “feel the fear and go for it anyway”, the more comfortable you will feel taking risks. The most successful people in the world, also took the biggest risks. When they failed, they failed big. But then, they dusted themselves off, learned what they could from the experience, and went back to the work of going for it.

    So, yes…it feels like the universe is conspiring against you. But it isn’t. Your ego is. Your ego is moving heaven and earth to keep you stuck and safe…and bored.

    Turn your focus to moving forward anyway. Get comfortable being out on the “skinny branches”, and start leaping for your dreams.

  • The Truth about Synchronicity

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    “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous” – Albert Einstein

    Synchronicity happens when you take a bold step towards following your passion. What you think is a coincidence is actually the universe’s helpful response to the actions you take to live your life’s purpose.

    It doesn’t happen while you’re dreaming about your goals, it happens when you take deliberate, focussed actions towards achieving them. To finally say “I’m going for it!” requires high energy. Think back to a time in your past when you set a big goal and then took those first few steps. You weren’t sleepy or grumpy…you were excited and enthusiastic.

    Energy attracts ‘like’ energy. Have you ever noticed when you are having a “bad” day, it feels like the world is plotting against you? Usually your energy is in the toilet and you are dealt problem after problem throughout the day. I’m not saying that sometimes crappy things don’t just happen. But ultimately, we create our experiences whether we’re conscious of it or not. So just notice that when you are cranky or run down, simple issues become major challenges. You are literally pulling that low draining energy into your experience.

    The same is true for high energy choices. Resolving to lose the weight will likely have you notice your local gym is running a sale for personal training. Deciding to finish the script by December 31st could attract an unexpected meeting with an agent interested in finding more clients. Committing to meditating every day for 30 days could cause your schedule to change in a way that makes it easier for you to sit and practice. (I literally had that happen with yoga. I decided it was time to switch classes and boom! My schedule changed to make room for the new class and fill the previous time with a new client!) This is synchronicity at work.

    But,again, this kind of “luck” doesn’t come from sitting at home doing nothing. It happens with action. You must move in the direction of your passion in order to receive the goodies of synchronicity.

    To quote Oprah, “Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.” The world is energy…the more charged with excitement you are, the more of that same energy will be drawn to you.

    Start taking big actions today towards your goals. Enlist all of your passion and determination. And watch the world step up to support you in ways you never even thought of.

  • How the Economic rule of 80% vs 20% can be applied to Your entire life

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    How the 80% vs 20% rule can be applied to action:

    According to time management guru ‘Brian Tracy’, (and economist ‘Vilfredo Pareto’, who was researching time management back in the late 1800’s), 20% of your activities will account for 80% of your results. 20% of your customers will account for 80% of your sales. 20% of your products will account for 80% of your profit.

    This means your actions matter. If 20% or your actions create 80% of your achievement, then those actions are more valuable and more necessary to pinpoint to help you succeed.

    Your to-do list just got very important…if you have 10 items on the list, just 2 of those items will yield the greatest returns. What are the highest valued actions you can take to achieve your goal? Let’s say you are studying for a big test or finishing a big project. Is tidying your desk going to bring you as much success as ignoring the clutter and getting an extra hour of work done? No…the clutter can wait.

    Start to get curious about what you actually accomplish every day. How much time are you wasting looking through junk mail? How many times a day do you check your email? If you cut back to checking it only twice a day, how much time would that free up for you to be more productive? If you’re responding to emails, which ones will give you an 80% return for your time? Bottom line…if it’s not a high value action, it can wait.

    80/20 applied to obstacles.

    You can apply this to self sabotage as well.

    Here is an interesting statistic…only 20% of what’s holding you back is out of your control. That means, 80% of what’s not working, is IN YOUR CONTROL.

    This is true for companies as well as individuals. The majority of your obstacles are internal. If you owned a coffee shop, for example, there are many areas you could look at to improve your revenue. Maybe the employee turnover is high thus costing you time and money to train new people. Your accountant might be off on their numbers or maybe your marketing campaign isn’t hitting your target customer. These are internal issues that you can improve upon.

    This is the same for artists, entrepreneurs, and anyone tying to achieve a big goal. You control 80% of your obstacles.

    Do you procrastinate? Do you skip running spell check when emailing potential clients? Do you waste time on Facebook when you should be revamping your resume? Do you fail to follow up? Are you chronically late?

    Start to look at your behavior from more of a business perspective…where are the internal weakest links? Where are YOU holding YOU back? If you aren’t clearly able to see the ways you get in your own way, look at your past. Look at your previous let downs. What were the mistakes that YOU were responsible for? Where, why, and how did you drop the ball?

    This is not a self shaming expedition. This is a close examination of where you can improve and ultimately experience more success. Ask any successful business owner, they will tell you that their struggles and their own mistakes showed them more about themselves than they ever knew before. Self examination is a necessary practice if you want to achieve your goals. Period.

    So again, take a look at your to-do list…what are the highest valued actions? Maybe you can cut that list down to a few ‘mega’ tasks…What actions can you take today that if completed, will give you the biggest bang for your buck?

    And then look at what internal obstacles need to be addressed. Where can you step up your game and why aren’t you already doing it? Where are you holding yourself back?

    Get curious and specific. And then, go for it!
    (Often our various forms of self sabotage can be hard to spot and even harder to overcome. This is where having a coach can be the smartest investment you can make when tackling a big challenge. I work with people on these issues all the time. And the actions I have them take towards conquering their obstacles, always produce 80% of their ultimate success. If this sounds good to you, get in touch and we’ll get to work!)

  • July 24th Workshop

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    How to  Get Out of Your Own Way and Get What you Really Want!

    workshop led by Brigitta Dau

    ~ Is another year speeding by without seeing your goals come true?

    ~Are you “shoulding all over yourself” rather than taking REAL ACTIONS to get what you      want?

    ~ Are you ready to try a new approach?

    In three hours, you will gain clarity on why you want what you want, discover your patterns of resistance and self sabotage, learn quick and effective strategies to move beyond what’s holding you back, and leave with an effective and doable plan to make those goals happen. We’ll cover everything from procrastination, to rejection, to perfectionism. As well as cultivate skills to manage stress, like mindfulness and cognitive exercises. Learn how cultivating what you’re passionate about and ending self sabotage will help you create the life you are meant to live.

    Date: Sunday, July 24th
    Time: 1pm – 4pm
    Location: Los Angeles
    Cost: $50
    Contact: brigittadau@yahoo.com for more information or to register today. Must register by July 15th. Space is limited.
    Brigittadau.com

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