motivational

  • How to use Polarization to Create Clarity

    You’ve heard it over and over: “Like energy attracts like energy”…in other words, focus on the negative and you are sure to experience more of it.

    yes, that is true when you are visualizing an outcome or a goal. Focussing on the negative will only prompt your brain to create more of that negativity. This is why I always say, when setting goals, clearly state them in terms of moving FORWARD. For example, you are not losing 10 pounds because you are sick of feeling gross…you are losing 10 pounds so you can feel awesome in your clothes. The first example is reflecting on what is not working, whereas the latter creates images in the mind of something positive to move towards. And our visual minds follow whatever image we put in front of them…so, dwell on what you DO want.

    However, when it comes to making decisions, forming partnerships, launching projects, etc, having a clear look at what you don’t want will point you very clearly and quickly in the direction of what you do want. Polarizing your plan is an excellent decision making tool.

    For example, let’s say you are producing a play. What don’t you want? Likely, you don’t want actors showing up late, set builders and stage managers not keeping their agreements, thus ending up having to do all the work yourself.

    Now spin it to the positive. What does what you don’t want mean? For example, if you don’t want to work with people who are chronically late, then maybe you want to work with professionals who do keep their agreements and actually have a track record of getting things done. And maybe you want a more, collaborative team so its easier to delegate. Do you see how flipping the negative to the positive gives you a clear roadmap as to who you will work with?

    You can use this for all your decisions.

    Let’s say you are wanting to take a yoga class. Being clear will help you enjoy it more. If you’re like me, you likely don’t want to leave feeling sore and needing a nap! So then how do you want to feel? Connected to your body in a positive way and more energized than you were before class? Sounds good to me! Having that clarity will help you choose the time, the instructor, and type of class you’re going to take.

    And, when you make the big decisions…buying a house, starting a new business, creating a project involving multiple partners…you can use this clarity tool to ensure you are gathering the right people to help you see your vision come true. This also helps you spot the red flags…the gut feeling you have about certain people. Likely they are exhibiting something from your “don’t want” list.

    “Start the way you want to finish” is not just an old saying, It is absolutely true when starting something big. Choose your team wisely…by knowing what you want and what you don’t want.

    So again, list clearly all the things you do not want. Then, spin that list to the opposite…what you DO want? Get clear on THAT list, and then go find your team!

    And if you liked this…forward it, retweet it, repost it…share it!

  • Living with Passion and Tolerating Fear

    Fact: Your biggest passions will bring up your biggest fears. Why? Because going for what you’re passionate about raises your emotional commitment level. The bigger the goal, the bigger the challenge. Said another way, the more you ask of life, the more life asks of you.

    Now knowing this fact is not a reason to set lame goals! I truly believe that we are all here to do something special and that likely has a lot to do with what we are passionate about. So set big juicy goals!

    But then let’s be honest, we need to get comfortable with being…uncomfortable.

    Synchronicity seems to be a law of nature. The minute we take the leap, if it’s in alignment with our passions, the universe sends us a hefty dose of happy coincidences. So, we’re jazzed and moving forward and feel somewhat magical as we see the help that comes our way. And then another law of nature pops up: something big comes our way and asks us “Really? Do you really have the guts to do this? How badly do you really want this?”

    Maybe you actually get the audition you’ve been fighting for, or an advance for your book proposal, or a loan to open your own shop…that’s great! But now you’ve got to actually follow through. Put your money where you mouth is…and step up to the plate.

    Which means for most of us: red hot fear.

    People at the top of their game have found a way to get comfortable with being freaked out. And most often, they acknowledge their fears first…BUT THEN THEY TAKE ACTION ANYWAY. They also have something that else that is consistent for them to focus on. So, although dramatic change might be happening in one area of their life, there is something else NOT changing or being challenged at the same time.

    For me, it’s exercise. I do a cardio workout every single day, pretty much first thing in the morning. (well, after some coffee!) I also meditate every day. Not always at the same time or even for as long as I may want, but I do it every day.

    I also make sure to “create my day” at night before I go to bed. I’ve mentioned this exercise before but it’s worth repeating. Writing out how you want tomorrow to look, before you go to bed, helps your subconscious mind look for ways to make that happen. Also, when something happens that you weren’t anticipating, you have a plan to go back to after you have dealt with whatever challenge came up.

    Even if your schedule changes day to day (as mine does) you can create some consistent actions that you take on a daily basis to create a sense of safety for yourself. By doing that, you are less likely to be thrown by your fears when they arise.

    Remember, when your fear bells start ringing, first acknowledge your fear. You can even thank it! Your fear is signaling you that the time has come to take big actions on your passions. It’s telling you that you are officially upping your game.

    And, keep cultivating some of those non-negotiable actions you already have in your life so you can feel stable in the face of change.

    If you need help creating those consistent habits, get in touch (brigittadau@yahoo.com) and we’ll come up with a plan together.

    And if you liked this…forward it, retweet it, repost it…Share it!

  • How cultivating Happiness leads to Confidence and Success

    Shawn Achor of Harvard has spent his life studying happiness and its relevance in corporate America as well as corporations around the world. Countless studies have been done to prove that happy workers not only perform better at their jobs, but actually create more profit for the companies they work for.

    But, most of us are not CEO’s of Fortune Five Hundred companies. So how can we use this research in practical ways to improve our own lives? After all, if it works for corporate America, shouldn’t it work for us?

    Yes it can! By practicing the same principles they do. According to studies, the minimal amount of happy/confident experiences required to increase the likelihood of success, is 3 new experiences a day. But, these experiences must be specific to our own personal preferences. And these preferences are known as, our ‘signature strengths’.

    What does that mean? It means at least 3 times a day, you have to consciously engage in different things that make you feel confident and happy. Some examples: admiring the pretty flowers in someone’s garden, complimenting a co-worker, finding the humor in a situation, being grateful for a good nights sleep, learning something new, reviewing your previous successes… The key is, you have to figure out what makes YOU happy and confident and start looking for opportunities to experience more of those feelings on a daily basis.

    So what makes you happy? Humor? Love of learning? Creativity? Gratitude? Curiosity? Sit for a few minutes and remember the times you were genuinely happy. What was going on? What were you doing? Did you find something funny about the situation? Were you engrossed in learning something new? Write down all the activities that contributed to your happiness.

    And, when did you feel successful? What were you doing and how did it feel? For example, maybe you got the client because you were super prepared and have a knack for reading the room. Then ‘being prepared’ and ‘great people skills’ should go on your list of signature strengths. (If you want to get scientific about it, go to viasurvey.org and fill out their survey…its fun, fast, and free!)

    Some of you still might think that pain and struggle is the only way to success and all this happiness talk is nonsense. Well, just to inspire you even more, here is an interesting experiment done by Margaret Shih at Harvard. She gathered a group of Asian women of the same IQ and administered a math test. But, before the test, she told them that because they were women and generally women are bad at math, she didn’t expect great scores. Not surprisingly, the women scored low. Then, a different test was administered. Only this time she told them that because the were Asian they were expected to do well because Asians are culturally better at math. You guessed it…they scored high!

    Another test at Harvard, involving Doctors, proved that Doctors primed with happy feelings before seeing a patient, yielded more accurate diagnosis’ than those Doctors simply going from patient to patient. I don’t know about you, I’d rather have a happy Doctor see me the next time I’m sick!

    Science has repeatedly proven that the happier and more confident you feel, the more likely you are to succeed. (and thus Corporate America has jumped on board because success = money!)

    So…what if you primed yourself to feel confident before going into your job interview, pitching your project, sitting down to write, or dealing with your children? The key is to remember what makes you happy, and remind yourself of the great skills you already have (rather than what you lack).

    So…think back to the times you were most happy. What was going on? What were you doing? What made you feel awesome and confident?

    Get your list of 3-5 things that you can do on a daily basis to feel great, and then do them every day. (I have my list posted front and center on my journal so I start every day feeling positive and confident…and what are my signature strengths, you might ask? Gratitude, Spirituality, Humor, Love, and Fairness. So my day starts with a Gratitude list…every day.)

    Again, I repeat, practice them DAILY. And more importantly, practice them purposefully and consistently when faced with challenges.

    And…share! Pass this on to anyone you know who could use a happiness boost today! And feel free to share your signature strengths with me!

  • My favorite daily habit to improve our dispositions

    We are all born with different personalities, preferences, inclinations and dispositions. There was a vast study done in the 1950’s called the ‘New York Longitudinal Study’ where they studied infants to predict the various temperaments each child would likely exhibit as a toddler and further on in life.

    And ask any parent with more than one child, they will tell you that they are all different…same parents, same DNA, different sensibilities.

    So what about those of us drawn to the “broodier” side of life? Some people seem to be “hard wired” to see the negative, the mistakes, the worst case scenario. Is that you?

    Or maybe you used to be pretty happy in general but life has just served you up platter of poopy life circumstances and you feel bummed out more days than not?

    (Let me be clear, I’m talking about general malaise. NOT clinical depression. If you feel clinically depressed or suicidal, seek medical help immediately.)

    Well, there is good news for those of you who tend to feel down. You can ‘rewire’ your brain to actively look for things that bring a smile to your face. It just takes daily practice.

    – Random Acts of Kindness have been proven to, over time, help elevate people’s moods. That means, just doing something nice for someone else for no good reason, can nudge you out of a slump.

    – Physically moving your body in positive ways (dancing, singing, looking up at the sky, etc) has a psychological effect on your moods. So if you are staring at your feet feeling sad, look up! That sends a neuromuscular message to your nervous system to change its focus thus changing your state from bummed, to uplifted.

    But, my favorite way to rewire our brains to see the good, is:

    – Journaling…in a very specific way

    Everyday for the next 2 weeks, sit down and write about something good that happened to you that day. It can’t be the same thing as yesterday! You have to come up with and write extensively about something new that happened to you…every day for at least 2 weeks.

    Our brains love repetition. Don’t take my word for it. Notice, do you brush your teeth with the same hand every day? Do you tie your shoelaces the same way every day? Do you drive to work the exact same way every day? Of course you do. Our brains are wired to create energy saving habits (more on that in upcoming newsletters). So, by repeating this action of positive journaling every day, your brain will start to look for more experiences for things to write about. Your brain can’t help it! It’s driven to create habits! And, this habit happens to feel good…so your mind will have no choice but to reinforce this habit daily.

    This may sound overly simplistic, until you give it a try. For some of us, at first, finding a good thing to write about might be a challenge. So, start small and easy. Did someone smile at you today? Did your car get you from point A to B without incident? Did you see a funny video on YouTube? You don’t have to come up with monumental things that happened to you. Just write about something that made you smile, or laugh, or feel at peace. Stick with it for at least 2 weeks and then start to notice how much easier it gets to remember the great things that happened every day.

    And no need to wait until you’re depressed to start this habit…I think we could ALL benefit from practicing journaling our good experiences every day.

    FACT: We all have the capacity to increase the sum joy in the world every minute of every day.

    Despite our dispositions, we do have a choice.

    If this is something you have struggled with, get in touch. I’ve helped a lot of people break out of negative thought patterns and I am available to work with you if you want help with this.

  • WHY do you want what you want?

    “CHANGE IS NEVER A MATTER OF ABILITY. IT IS ALWAYS A MATTER OF MOTIVATION”-Tony Robbins

    So, here we are at the brink of a new beginning. We are inundated with messages of resolutions and self improvement. Many of us follow along and set some goals and then look back at them in frustration when, after a few months have gone by, we notice we have done little to achieve them.

    Well, I encourage you to try a new approach.

    Why do you want those goals in the first place?

    That’s the most important question you can ask yourself when you are goal setting or looking to change something be it a bad habit, a relationship, your career…”why?”. Why do you want it to be different?

    Here’s the trap…a lot of us will answer with “because I don’t want to feel ___ anymore”. In most cases, that answer pretty much insures that the change you want won’t happen.

    Our brains are hard wired to “go towards things”. Particularly, things that make us feel GOOD. That’s pretty obvious, I know. But if you want to change something, you have to focus on how you WANT to feel when you have achieved that change. Not on how you don’t want to feel.

    For example:

    I want to lose weight.
    Why?
    “Because I hate the way my body feels in my clothes”…is the trap.
    Instead maybe you can answer:
    “Because I want to feel fabulous and confident in my clothes, I want to have more energy”…etc

    Another example:

    I want to earn more money
    Why?
    “Because I’m sick of living paycheck to paycheck”…is the trap.
    Instead, maybe you answer:
    “Because I want to take a vacation, get my car cleaned, go out with my friends”…etc

    Another example:

    I want to get a better job.
    Why?
    “Because my boss is an asshole and my life is being flushed down the toilet”…you can clearly see the trap there!
    Another answer?
    “I want to tap into my natural talents at work, I want my work to be fulfilling and soul affirming”…etc

    You get the point. You have to phrase your desires in “moving towards” language. And then, focus on THAT rather than focusing on what you DON’T want to feel. Focussing on what you WANT moves you forward and brings you closer to actually getting it.

    It also elicits the energy required to receive that which you want. This is not new age “woo hoo”, it’s basic physics. Low vibrational energy attracts low vibrational energy. And, high vibrational energy attracts high vibrational energy. So, focusing on what’s wrong, what’s not working…low energy thoughts…will attract more of that energy. The same is true for higher energy thoughts. Thoughts of enthusiasm, gratitude, and vitality attract more of those high energy vibrations. The old saying “ What you focus on, expands” is not self help jargon. It’s a law of physics.

    And if I was breaking a habit or embarking on a new career, I’d be harnessing all the high energy I could! I’d want the law of physics on MY side.

    By reframing your goals from “moving away from” (low energy) to “moving towards goals” (high energy), you can effectively get the energetic world on your side. Which leads to: better results more efficiently and with greater ease.

    If you want support as you go for your New Year’s resolutions and goals, get in touch and we’ll get to work on them together.

  • procrastination…what are you really committed to???

    We all procrastinate sometimes. After all, work is called “work”, not “play”.

    Sometimes our procrastination is a signal to shift gears and reevaluate our goals. And if that’s the case, we usually feel it in our gut. Maybe it’s telling us to rethink a goal we may have set, or a job we’ve signed up to do. This is a healthy form of procrastinating and it’s a signal to stop and rethink.

    But, some of us are sabotaging our dreams by letting procrastination run amuck. If you are procrastinating on something you are passionate about… writing a script, getting an agent, building a website… then you are sabotaging yourself.

    Oddly enough, you likely have very good reasons to avoid taking action. The problem is, you don’t know what those reasons are. Your subconscious fears are running the show. Getting to know your personal sabotage “signature” is your biggest weapon to self defeating urges.

    So, how do you figure out what beliefs you are being ruled by?

    Ask. Ask a lot. Ask, ask, ask.

    I had a client who was concerned about starting a new business. From personal experience, I will tell you that starting any new venture is time consuming and offers no guarantees. This is why many people are happy managing say a Peet’s vs opening their own coffee shop. Going your own way takes money, courage, and a shit-load of energy.

    So, he had reasons to be nervous. But he’d done the research, had a good financial plan, and for all intents and purposes, it looked like a risk that would be worth taking.

    Yet he stalled. And avoided. And got distracted…

    So I asked:

    “If the worst case scenario were to happen, what would that mean to you?”

    He said he’d lose a substantial amount of money.

    “And then what would happen?” I asked

    “I might have to move, I might have to get another job, I’d be pretty broke”

    “And then what would happen?”

    “Take out a loan…if I could…”

    “And if you couldn’t take out a loan, then what?”

    “I guess I’d have to ask my father to help me out”

    “And then what?

    “He’d see that he was right. I’m terrible at business and should have just followed in his footsteps instead.”

    “And then?”

    “He’d think I’m an embarrassment to the family.”

    BINGO!!!!

    He was procrastinating because he believed that if he failed, his father would be ashamed of him. Now THAT is a very scary thought for most of us. As “grown up” as we all are, most of us still don’t want to let our parents down. And nobody wants to feel like a cause for family shame.

    No wonder he was avoiding going for it fully. His identity and self esteem were at stake. He was MORE COMMITTED to keeping his self esteem intact and not upsetting his father. After realizing that, he could then acknowledge to himself that win or lose, he wasn’t going to incur the shame of his Dad. Taking action became easier and easier until his business was up and running. When he caught himself backsliding, he asked himself the same questions I did…and asked and asked until he got to the real reason for his self sabotage. Which then he could then conquer fairly easily.

    So why are you stalling on your dreams? What would happen if you failed? And then what? And then? And after that, what would happen?…

    Dive into the rabbit hole head first and figure out what you are really committed to. If you are procrastinating, you are afraid of something. And, you are more committed to avoiding that pain than achieving your goal.

    Once you figure that out, you can choose to override it and take the necessary actions to achieve your success. And when you slack off or stumble, get curious. Ask and ask until the truth comes out. If you want to defeat the dragon, you have to look it in the eye first. And your dreams are worth fighting for.

    (If you need more help with this issue, please, get in touch and we’ll get to work.)

  • Meditate your way to new healthy habits …“but I suck at Meditation!”

    Change is hard. Even when we know it will benefit us in the long run, we still resist it with all we’ve got. Whether its cutting out fast food, learning a new skill, hitting the employment sites to get a new job…the desire to bail is often greater than our desire to go for it.

    And there are plenty of reasons for this. Mainly, your whole psyche is geared around keeping you safe. Survival is essential. Change means instability and our bodies and minds will fight that at all costs. Also succeeding at survival is more likely when we can react quickly and without hesitation…the opposite of what it takes to stick with and create a new behavior.

    This is why we need to become aware of our thoughts, our physical sensations, even our breathing patterns, to override this resistance to change.

    And, just five minutes a day of meditation can be your biggest weapon against your instinct to play it safe.

    It sounds too good to be true, right? Don’t take my word for it. Google “scientific tests on five minute mediation” and see all the studies that pop up. Study after study has shown the benefits of meditation from getting over addiction to getting better grades.

    “But I suck at meditation!” you say. Actually, the “worse” you are, the better for creating lasting change.

    Meditation is nothing more than being still and paying attention. Focusing on ONE thing, be that music (the link to my fave meditation tracks are below), your breathing, a fixed place on the horizon… You can focus on a word or a color if you want. Just choose something to focus on and then, sit still.

    Likely, you’ll be able to focus for about 15 seconds before your mind wanders. You are not failing at meditation! THAT’S NORMAL. THATS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. But the next step is what makes meditation so beneficial. The moment you notice you’ve stopped paying attention to the music, etc, let go of whatever thought has pulled you away from your chosen focus. Just drop the thought that pulled you away, and come back to your breath, music, etc. This releasing and returning will happen repeatedly. And that is how you override your desire to stay safe. Notice the thoughts that grabbed your attention, and return to your focus..

    When you practice this form of meditation, you are training your brain to react differently to urges and impulses. For example, if you’re a smoker, you may not notice that a commercial for beer or coffee trigger you to reach for a smoke. If you’re chronically late, you may not notice that you’re choosing to send just one more email before heading out for your appointment. If you are a procrastinator you may not notice that you actually feel more committed to goofing off than getting to work. (Which is usually the case with procrastinators…stay tuned for a separate newsletter about that topic)

    By becoming aware of our thoughts while meditating, we can more easily notice our “unconscious” thoughts, habits, and behaviors in our daily activities. Armed with this information, we can begin to consciously change. So, for the smoker trying to quit, they may have to avoid watching TV at night for a few weeks. Tardy people trying to be more accountable may choose to put their smartphones in their backpack 15 minutes before they want to leave the house. Procrastinators might be able to acknowledge their desire to slack off but not be pulled into that desire. They will be able to make the conscious decision to get to work.

    Change requires HUGE amounts of focus, attention, and willingness. Training your mind to be effective at noticing your thoughts, and then letting them go, is crucial to creating lasting change.

    And it starts just with five minutes a day.

    (And I coach people with this all the time so if you want extra help getting a meditation practice started…fire me an email and we’ll set up a session.)

    And my personal fave meditation music: THALLEE link